“Alright, kids, grab your stuff. We need to finish eating our ice cream somewhere else.”  

On hot summer days in Texas like this, air conditioning and ice cream are your two best friends, and here I was, ushering my kiddos out into the blazing sun where their enjoyment would quickly melt away. We had just paid a small fortune for fancy-looking concoctions, and now that our mouths were full of sweets, I could hear the music playing.     

Cuss word after cuss word came through the speakers in the ice cream shop. And not the kind of cuss word that could be mistaken for something else, just blatant cuss words. After relocating the kids, I went back into the shop to ask the employees if they would change the music selection and explained that it was difficult to enjoy treats with my kids while listening to foul language.

They looked at me like they had no idea what I was talking about. No one apologized; they said they were not trying to play any inappropriate music and that no one else had ever complained about their playlist.

I wish that was the only time I was trying to balance cuss words and ice cream cones.  

Unfortunately, I’ve had a similar experience two other times over the past three years.  But this post isn’t about the debate over cuss words; read this post for more on that topic. Rather, this story is about intentionality.

What the young ice cream employee said to me was true. He was not actively trying to play inappropriate music. He was simply playing music. But that also means that he wasn’t actively trying to play music that wasn’t offensive, either.  He was somewhere in the middle along the spectrum of intentionality, leaving a wide-open playing field for unintended outcomes.

The included graphic (expertly produced) explains the concept. We have a choice in all that we do.

We can go out of our way to do the wrong thing or hurt someone. This could include verbal attacks, cheating, manipulation, or purposely playing inappropriate music in hopes that little kids will hear it at the ice cream shop. This type of intention belongs on the far right of the spectrum.

Or, we could go out of our way to be clear, productive, and helpful. This could include speaking in a way that recognizes the perspective of the listener, communicating with clarity, seeking to understand the needs and opinions of others, and ensuring that your playlist includes upbeat songs without foul language so that kids can enjoy their ice cream without being ushered into the hot sun.

It turns out that most people don’t operate on the far right, where ugliness and attacks are performed on purpose. Likewise, many people don’t take the time to operate on the far left, either. That is why so many of our struggles and relationship frictions come from the land of unintended consequences, aka the middle of the spectrum.

When someone is offended by a colleague, and we dig in to learn more, we often find that the person who committed the offense “never meant to hurt the other person’s feelings.”  They also never took the time to ensure that their message was delivered with clarity, and they ended up in the middle zone.  Poor communication often results in weeks or months of frustration, but that can be generally avoided by working to stay on the far left of the spectrum. Intentionality in our communication makes most other issues resolve on their own or at least much easier to overcome.

Intentionality also creates a better ice cream experience and repeat visits from a family with many ice cream eaters.